Self-love vs Self-hatred

I can hardly write about this without disliking myself on a certain level.

All my life I have struggled against the belief that what ails me is a moral/spiritual failure, some complex mixture of the seven deadly sins.

Or an emotional disorder that is within my power to fix, if I would quit hanging on so stubbornly to my self-centered beliefs.

Sometimes I simply feel like a pain in the ass to everyone I interact with. The more closely you have to interact with me, the more of a pain the ass I fear I will become.

My best defense against all of the above is to deny there is anything at all wrong with me, but that’s only possible if I don’t leave my house and don’t interact with people outside my small circle of loved ones.

Out in the big world I have been labeled:

  • Stubborn
  • Weak
  • Anal retentive
  • Stupid
  • Intolerant
  • Obsessive/compulsive
  • Anxiety ridden
  • Neurotic
  • Spoiled
  • Controlling
  • High maintenance

The healthy part of my self esteem feels compelled to interject now and inform you (and remind me) that I have done bold things!

I have jumped off cliffs and repelled down canyons. I went scuba diving at night, 100 feet below the surface. I gave birth twice with no anesthesia! I have handled snakes and rodents. I have spoken in public. I have spoken against popular ideas, to hostile audiences – in public. I have made bold leaps of faith in relationships and in business.

My inability to be “normal” is not for lack of heroic effort.

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